Resolution

I don't know why but I find it impossible to stay angry at my brother. My mind is always winding me up into a fury, almost as if I hear voices telling me that above all else I must exact my revenge. He booked himself in for an appointment with me under an assumed name, and I could feel the rage bubbling under but as we talked and went through a emotionally tense version of my coaching game "Play Your Life Right!" with my cards, I felt that anger melt away as I saw the young alienated lost little child I remember from my youth. I just wish we could swap places as I'm sure deep inside he did it to hurt me, but I don't know specifically why.

I got in a spot of bother recently as I behaved in a rather silly way when I was drunk and apparently insulted and mildly assulted a police officer (I don't remember a thing but there are pictures.) Tamara was kind enough to come visit me in the police cell to check I was alright, she didn't have to. She obviously still cares for me. But I think I've met someone who I connect with more. She is a delightfully crazy Spanish performance artist called Lorena who I got drunkenly chatting to on the street. I'm taking Tamara's advice and loosening up up a bit. Well, a lot. I think I'm going to pack it all in, sell everything I have and ask Lorena if she wants to go round the world with me. Maybe we can start in Italy! Tamara told her batty aunts that we were still together as they had offered her their Italian villa on that basis. This I only found out when she walks in the flat one morning when I am still drunk after a wild night with Lorena during which I seem to have aquired some handcuffs and a belt round my neck. Next thing I know I'm dressed, still drunk, still wearing handcuffs and in walk the aunts after parking the car. After a rather bizarre reenactment of my proposal (?!?) to Tamara which now includes Lorena as my cousin (all I could think of) the aunts have decided all is well and we are one big happy family and she (we) can have the villa while they settle on the Isle of Wight. I think things are looking up for me. I think this is the end of my Life as a Life Coach...

The Kindness of Strangers

Writing this is hard. Keeping my focus with clients is hard. Getting up in the morning is hard. I've realised that I put too much of my life into my relationship with T. and now that is gone there is a hole that is letting my old demons back in. I neglected my friends because I was in love. My only comfort has come from strangers. K.'s cleaner asked to talk to me. We met in the woods at night as she wanted privacy. There was something about her, a strange calmness (strange because she seems anything but calm) that made me open up to her. She ended up helping me more than I helped her. I also met a woman in the park called Vanessa who reminded me of T. It was painful and comforting at the same time. My head felt clear when I was with her. I sit here looking at the bottle of vodka on my desk. Maybe the only way to clear my mind is to erase it.

Absence

Woke up this morning and rolled over to wrap my arms around T. like I always do. Panicked when my arms fell on empty space, and then I remembered. In my dreams she had still been with me. I wish I could stay asleep.

Cofessions

I have always believed in honesty: in business, in relationships, in life. The consequences of concealing worries and events from loved ones was laid bare to me today. Dropped round to K's house to catch up - a social visit, and he suddenly revealed that not only is he going to lose his house, but that he also holds himself responsible for his wife's death. He used my presence as an impetus for these confessions. This is not my teaching. He bottled up all his worries and troubles and then laid them on his family as a done deal so to speak. If he'd talked things through beforehand, he could have worked towards gradual change and resolution with the support of his family. Which brings me to another more difficult and personal subject. T. confessed to infidelity to me. This is so very hard to write, but also cathartic to express. She says she doesn't love me anymore. I cannot emphasise enough the extent to which this news has devastated me. If she had been more honest with me all along, then we could have resolved our issues. But she bottled up her doubts and they exploded in a bout of infidelity with my brother. Yes, a double betrayal from two people I have supported through so much and

I'm sorry I have to stop writing now.

This is hard. This is so hard.

Good news?

Fun and rewarding though it was to be up in Scotland it's always good to get home to Chalk Farm. Things are looking up for T. as she's got the 10K she needs to help set up the business with M. But at what price? It's great seeing her so happy but should I have let John back into my life? Can he be trusted not to screw this up for me? Musn't think negative thoughts. Remember Anthony "Your worst fears only have power over you when you refuse to face and feel them!" Worry only plays tricks on the mind. Like tonight I misplaced my portfolio. I usually always leave it on the table when I come in but it wasn't there when I looked for it. It turned up in the bedroom . T. insists she didn't move it. Most peculiar.

Bonnie Beverage

Up in Scotland tonight for work. Successful session with executives from various major and independent distilleries organised by Scotchwhisky.net. Now having quick break before dinner. And whisky! Had a tasting tour of a distillery. I've always liked whisky but didn't really appreciate how the best ones were a match for great wine in their complexity. A silly assumption on my part. Cloudy thinking Anthony! Hopefully tonight's entertainment won't make my thinking even cloudier! Always miss T. when I'm away. Even for a night.

Breakthrough!

Good session with K. today, made a lot of progress towards him opening up his fears so we can address the way forward. Wish we could have a more private location though as the interruptions from his children meant it was one step forwards, two steps back. And those are not the kind of small steps we like! Strange thing happened on the train platform whilst waiting to get the sleeper to Scotland for a conference. A well turned out professional lady was waiting there (for which train I'm not sure as she had only work bags) and as she wandered past me she gave me a thorough looking up and down, and I could swear she sniffed me as I turned my head away. And not a little sniff either. I never cease to be amazed by the wonder and variety of human experience.